Barley, Hops and the Hill

Yes, oh the shame! The cards weren’t filled out! My fault. I take the blame of not getting in ink the wit that oozes out of the Hoppers when we invade establishments. This week’s missed thoughts belong to Jerod, Jamie, Kelley, Shannon, Cleo, Justin, Rodney, Jillian, Duff, Jeff, Sandy and Aileen (spelling?). These fine folks got on their dancing shoes and partook in the adventure of me planning a night of dancing. The Baltic Room, The War Room, Bill’s Off Broadway and The Cuff were all graced with the presence of the Hill Hoppers last night.

First, you all missed Justin, Sarah and I watching the Olympic gymnastics trials. It was riveting, exciting, nerve-racking, and inspiring. Hell, I’m in a leotard now as I write this. What?

(My new hero, Shawn Johnson)

Second up, The Baltic Room. The space has incredibly high ceilings which could have been used to make 2 full floors with some extra seating. Places to sit and relax are lacking and instead there is a lot of standing room. Two bars dispense the alcohol. A small dance floor makes up the far west side of the club and the DJ stand is hunkered in the middle of the action. The man spins as people dance and a HUGE screen projects the silhouettes of women dancing in neon lighting. This did not inspire too much hip shakin’.

So, when the website of a club advertises night you expect, what? Bollywood? Wow are you so off, as were we. Turns out The Baltic Room had an unadvertised private party which requested house/electronica for the evening. Crushed, downtrodden we turned to the bar to drown our sorrows. I asked for a Lemon Drop and the man wanted $8 from me so I passed for a beer. Hopper Rodney got a bracelet for $20 which allowed him all the beer and well drinks his liver desired. His whiskey gingers came in small plasic cups. You know the ones you get on the airplane? It was just that classy at The Baltic Room. Granted, the drinks were strong and the poor man had to double-dog-dare himself to drink them. Hopper Jarrod returned from the men’s room with tales of an attendant who dispenses soap. Upon hearing this I sprinted to the women’s room to see this sort of service. I was hit with an odor similar to that of the NYC subway, graffiti, and no attendant. The Baltic Room is the only place in Seattle where the men get a better bathroom.

Overall, the Hoppers enjoyed sitting in a corner chatting each other up and sharing drinks. Bar service was ridiculously fast and, thus, the drinks kept coming. Sadly, the electronica failed to inspire and we moved towards the War Room.

Judgings:

Jerod gives us his thoughts: “I think it would be unfair to judge the Baltic Room based on that night. It was truly terrible. And the fact that all their advertising everywhere said it was going to be Bollywood, and then there was a small sign on the door that said it wasn’t… that’s pretty lame. But I’ve always liked the BR, so I guess I’d say that they generally have good music, the space isn’t bad (though the dance floor is too small), I like the video screens (especially when they have the nekkid ladies in silhouette), and the drinks are fairly mixed and priced. Then you could throw in the “make sure there isn’t a private birthday party hosted by DJ Craptastic” disclaimer.”

Hmm, so I’d like to tell you all about The War Room, but I didn’t get in there. Dedicated Hill Hoppers Jerod, Cleo, Rodney, Kelley and Jillian boogied on its floors. Since I was not there I can’t say anything except that the line in F-in’ long. Jerod, as the knight in shining armor he is, stepped in and saved the day with his thoughts. “Very crowded, but everyone was chill. Kelley did complain she was getting elbowed out of her space sometimes, but I didn’t have any trouble keeping my spot. The music was okay. The dj was mashing up a lot of 80’s R&B (Belle Biv Devoe, Bobby Brown) and more recent hiphop (Jay Z, Black Eyed Peas) w/ some bassy backbeats. And a live mc was rapping along and working the room. Not terrible, but not terribly good.” Apparently on Thursday nights there is a dancehall reggae night that we will all need to check out sometime soon.

Bill’s Off Broadway was a haven from the frustration I was feeling. Maybe it’s the awkward entrance that has you pass the kitchen area, or the fact that only two dozen people are there, or Hall and Oats’ melodious voices which make the place immediately cozy. Hill Hoppers Jaimie, Shannon, Justin, Jeff and Duff decided to grab a beer at this overlooked establishment. The bar itself is tucked two steps down from the main part of the room. It has the regular beers on tap (Stella, Mack and Jacks, Manny’s, etc) and we went that route. Hopper Jeff showed the ‘tender his British Columbia license and she told him she could not serve him. We got out a few comments about them being nationists and close-minded just in time for them to retract the previous statement and served him.

We stayed close to the bar but the main area is a green carpeted sea of small wooden tables and a big pool table. There is outside seating for those few warm nights. We did not wander too far from the Chippendales Erotic Photo Hunt and set 3 high scores. Yay to jabbing at half naked men! The music was all non-offensive, sing-along stuff. For every song, and every chorus, the whole place raised its energy level and sang along. The clock was set to real time (as opposed to that 15 min ahead bar time) and had a sign saying so. Bill’s takes its casual drinking seriously and will give you every moment of it you deserve. Damn right!

Judgings:

Hoppers?

And then there was The Cuff. . By the time we found our way that far east, we had lost many Hoppers along the way. The group that remained was Justin, Rodney, Jillian, Cleo and I. The Cuff is a magical place that has 3 different bars in one establishment. The first bar looks sketchy as hell, painted all black with a wall of pull tabs (why?). Oh, and we can’t forget the man shining shoes in the corner. There is a gift shop where you can get all kinds of leather and steel toys. I only recognized one thing in there and was too scared to ask the man in leather chaps any questions.

Down a ramp outside you find a big outdoor bar with wooden benches, a covered bar, big heaters, and lots of bodies enjoying the end of rain.

Through a set of we have the dance club. Ah, the whole reason for the night. There is another small bar in this room which serves all the goods. After 2 AM they only serve water, juice, Red Bull and coffee to get all the dancers through to close. A wall of mirrors makes the room look bigger than its medium size. Black painted walls, black lights, strobe lights, neon lights, a disco ball, and two huge flat screens showing previews for new gay porns sets the vibe for dancing and not caring what the hell else is going on. The DJ was playing electronica and we were ready to pour out all of our energy. At 2 AM the floor was PACKED and by 2:45 there were only a few dozen still bobbing. We had fun trying to count all the women in the place (5?). Hopper Jillian got a bit too tipsy and started grinding on everyone on the dance floor. Cleo showed us all how to do a great interpretive dance. And we all did our damndest to make it to the 3 AM closing. The Hoppers had buckets of fun wearing out our dance shoes.

Judgings:

????

That’s it for this week. This coming weekend I am detained but we are looking into hitting the pubs midweek next week. Stay tuned. And Hoppers, give me your thoughts, your sarcasm, your juvenile humor to add to the above. Thanks again to everyone who came out. You’re beautiful.