We Forgot The Cards!
Yes, oh the shame! The cards weren’t filled out! My fault. I take the blame of not getting in ink the wit that oozes out of the Hoppers when we invade establishments. This week’s missed thoughts belong to Jerod, Jamie, Kelley, Shannon, Cleo, Justin, Rodney, Jillian, Duff, Jeff, Sandy and Aileen (spelling?). These fine folks got on their dancing shoes and partook in the adventure of me planning a night of dancing. The Baltic Room, The War Room, Bill’s Off Broadway and The Cuff were all graced with the presence of the Hill Hoppers last night.
First, you all missed Justin, Sarah and I watching the Olympic gymnastics trials. It was riveting, exciting, nerve-racking, and inspiring. Hell, I’m in a leotard now as I write this. What?
(My new hero, Shawn Johnson)Second up, The Baltic Room. The space has incredibly high ceilings which could have been used to make 2 full floors with some extra seating. Places to sit and relax are lacking and instead there is a lot of standing room. Two bars dispense the alcohol. A small dance floor makes up the far west side of the club and the DJ stand is hunkered in the middle of the action. The man spins as people dance and a HUGE screen projects the silhouettes of women dancing in neon lighting. This did not inspire too much hip shakin’.
So, when the website of a club advertises 
night you expect, what? Bollywood? Wow are you so off, as were we. Turns out The Baltic Room had an unadvertised private party which requested house/electronica for the evening. Crushed, downtrodden we turned to the bar to drown our sorrows. I asked for a Lemon Drop and the man wanted $8 from me so I passed for a beer. Hopper Rodney got a bracelet for $20 which allowed him all the beer and well drinks his liver desired. His whiskey gingers came in small plasic cups. You know the ones you get on the airplane? It was just that classy at The Baltic Room. Granted, the drinks were strong and the poor man had to double-dog-dare himself to drink them. Hopper Jarrod returned from the men’s room with tales of an attendant who dispenses soap. Upon hearing this I sprinted to the women’s room to see this sort of service. I was hit with an odor similar to that of the NYC subway, graffiti, and no attendant. The Baltic Room is the only place in Seattle where the men get a better bathroom.
Overall, the Hoppers enjoyed sitting in a corner chatting each other up and sharing drinks. Bar service was ridiculously fast and, thus, the drinks kept coming. Sadly, the electronica failed to inspire and we moved towards the War Room.
Judgings:
Jerod gives us his thoughts: “I think it would be unfair to judge the Baltic Room based on that night. It was truly terrible. And the fact that all their advertising everywhere said it was going to be Bollywood, and then there was a small sign on the door that said it wasn’t… that’s pretty lame. But I’ve always liked the BR, so I guess I’d say that they generally have good music, the space isn’t bad (though the dance floor is too small), I like the video screens (especially when they have the nekkid ladies in silhouette), and the drinks are fairly mixed and priced. Then you could throw in the “make sure there isn’t a private birthday party hosted by DJ Craptastic” disclaimer.”
Hmm, so I’d like to tell you all about The War Room, but I didn’t get in there. Dedicated Hill Hoppers Jerod, Cleo, Rodney, Kelley and Jillian boogied on its floors. Since I was not there I can’t say anything except that the line in F-in’ long. Jerod, as the knight in shining armor he is, stepped in and saved the day with his thoughts. “Very crowded, but everyone was chill. Kelley did complain she was getting elbowed out of her space sometimes, but I didn’t have any trouble keeping my spot. The music was okay. The dj was mashing up a lot of 80’s R&B (Belle Biv Devoe, Bobby Brown) and more recent hiphop (Jay Z, Black Eyed Peas) w/ some bassy backbeats. And a live mc was rapping along and working the room. Not terrible, but not terribly good.” Apparently on Thursday nights there is a dancehall reggae night that we will all need to check out sometime soon.
Bill’s Off Broadway 
was a haven from the frustration I was feeling. Maybe it’s the awkward entrance that has you pass the kitchen area, or the fact that only two dozen people are there, or Hall and Oats’ melodious voices which make the place immediately cozy. Hill Hoppers Jaimie, Shannon, Justin, Jeff and Duff decided to grab a beer at this overlooked establishment. The bar itself is tucked two steps down from the main part of the room. It has the regular beers on tap (Stella, Mack and Jacks, Manny’s, etc) and we went that route. Hopper Jeff showed the ‘tender his British Columbia license and she told him she could not serve him. We got out a few comments about them being nationists and close-minded just in time for them to retract the previous statement and served him.
We stayed close to the bar but the main area is a green carpeted sea of small wooden tables and a big pool table. There is outside seating for those few warm nights. We did not wander too far from the Chippendales Erotic Photo Hunt and set 3 high scores. Yay to jabbing at half naked men! The music was all non-offensive, sing-along stuff. For every song, and every chorus, the whole place raised its energy level and sang along. The clock was set to real time (as opposed to that 15 min ahead bar time) and had a sign saying so. Bill’s takes its casual drinking seriously and will give you every moment of it you deserve. Damn right!
Judgings:
Hoppers?
And then there was The Cuff. 
. By the time we found our way that far east, we had lost many Hoppers along the way. The group that remained was Justin, Rodney, Jillian, Cleo and I. The Cuff is a magical place that has 3 different bars in one establishment. The first bar looks sketchy as hell, painted all black with a wall of pull tabs (why?). Oh, and we can’t forget the man shining shoes in the corner. There is a gift shop where you can get all kinds of leather and steel toys. I only recognized one thing in there and was too scared to ask the man in leather chaps any questions.
Down a ramp outside you find a big outdoor bar with wooden benches, a covered bar, big heaters, and lots of bodies enjoying the end of rain.
Through a set of we have the dance club. Ah, the whole reason for the night. There is another small bar in this room which serves all the goods. After 2 AM they only serve water, juice, Red Bull and coffee to get all the dancers through to close. A wall of mirrors makes the room look bigger than its medium size. Black painted walls, black lights, strobe lights, neon lights, a disco ball, and two huge flat screens showing previews for new gay porns sets the vibe for dancing and not caring what the hell else is going on. The DJ was playing electronica and we were ready to pour out all of our energy. At 2 AM the floor was PACKED and by 2:45 there were only a few dozen still bobbing. We had fun trying to count all the women in the place (5?). Hopper Jillian got a bit too tipsy and started grinding on everyone on the dance floor. Cleo showed us all how to do a great interpretive dance. And we all did our damndest to make it to the 3 AM closing. The Hoppers had buckets of fun wearing out our dance shoes.
Judgings:
????
That’s it for this week. This coming weekend I am detained but we are looking into hitting the pubs midweek next week. Stay tuned. And Hoppers, give me your thoughts, your sarcasm, your juvenile humor to add to the above. Thanks again to everyone who came out. You’re beautiful.
Let’s Discuss
Let’s discuss the fun that was Friday night. It was a splendidly mellow evening of 3 bars, a few beers, one over-priced cocktail and bone marrow. The Hoppers this week were Paige, Carl-Erich, Justin, Mark, Duff, Susie, and Kelly. As always, thanks for hitting the hood with me. By the way, pictures will accompany this in 2 days.
We started the night at the incredible Smith on 15th Ave. Now, I might have a special place in my heart for this place due to the Big Boss Porter that they serve. It’s pretty much liquid chocolate at 9% alcohol. Thank you Poland! But, it’s an experience no matter what you get. Smith is a large dark room with a skylight in the ceiling so in the evening in the summer you have the sweet natural light shining down on the long tables in the center of the bar. The walls are wallpaper and canvas decorated with all sorts of taxidermied heads and animals. If you are a veg, might be a good place to avoid. Another wall is covered in portraits of god knows who. Pretty much the word that comes to mind for Smith is ‘gamey’. Do with that what you’d like.
I asked for the drink special which turned out to be $9 of really nothing good. It was a cocktail but it tasted like they just dumped rum in a martini glass and tossed in a cherry. Looking into the multiple beer taps and the 4 door glass fridge of beers, a liquor drinker can realize his/her mistake. C-E was in lust. “Great beer selection though it’s no Stumbling Monk. One night with an iron stomach and a fistful of cash, Smith will fulfill your desires for different (yet not that different) foods.” The food menu ‘is broad and wide and will make your ass broad and wide’ (thanks for that Justin). Hopper Mark was ecstatic to try the marrow. His take? “Bone marrow = gross. Tastes like bone marrow. Not sure why it looked so good on the Travel Channel.” Maybe it was the scooping the marrow out of the bone which Paige rightly pointed out was not labeled. Cow? Dog? Californian? Tasted like crap.
Judgings:
Service: 4 Stars
Atmosphere: 4 Stars (Yes, taxidermy is ‘chic’)
Drawings in the Men’s Bathroom: 5 Stars (guess we all need to explore)
Bartenders: 4 Stars
Cocktails: Crap
Looking around at the Hoppers, one could immediately tell we were a sophisticated bunch on Friday and mature enough to handle a bar with no blasting music. We were ready for 22 Doors. This place is tucked between respectable businesses on 15th Ave and looks like it wants to be one too, kinda. The walls are a darker yellow and show off the work of local artists. Booths of brown leather line the walls in the front half while a large bars relaxes in the back. The bar top is made of doors with the door knobs still in tact. Justin and Susie were not amused when I made car sounds and pretended I was driving with the door knob. Come on, tell me some other reason why they might be there. An outside patio is tucked on the side and you would be unaware if you aren’t in the know. Now you are. Welcome. Heaters hang low so that, when they are working, you can enjoy the extra seating and not freeze your arse off in the Seattle summer air.
(Susie being weird)
Now, I have got to say, this place was a let down after going for brunch last week. Hopper Justin was on that, too. “Servers are more attractive in the morning. Maybe they are like the lights on Virgin Airlines and change with the time of day.” The morning staff = delicious. Evening staff = forgettable. Our server reminded Hopper Mark of Willy Wonka and C-E of Peter Pan. The crowd, too, was a bit dull. The people who go there are older, looking for a quieter place to get a cocktail and talk about the gossip from your kid’s soccer team. All the drinks that we imbibed received positive comments, even Kelly’s water. This place is somewhere you never need to go for a night out. Brunch, though, is great (good food, great prices, perfect portions).
Judgings:
Staff: 2.5 Stars (as averaged between the morning and evening)
Ambiance: Snooze
Drinks: 4 Stars
Patio: 5 Stars
22 Doors: We only counted 9
So, our modest group shrunk to the only serious drinkers and, most likely, the only ones who might have problems: Mark, Justin and I. And to Barça we went. Barça is a cavernous space with two levels and two differnt bars inside. The walls are dark red and the furniture is black. The lighting could allow for all kinds of dark deeds to go on in booths unknown. The downstairs has limited seating but an expansive bar with many, many taps. I’m fairly certain they serve liquor but I was too focused on reading the array of beer. I pointed at the one I didn’t know and turns out it was Belgium deliciousness. Don’t ask me what it was. They seem to specialize in beers that have their own glasses as the three of us each proudly proclaimed our choices without saying a word.
Upstairs is a mob scene of booths. Downstairs is for standing, upstairs is for slowing life down. A small bar is tucked in the corner and they label themselves a vodka bar. I threw up a little in my mouth looking at it. Hopper Mark liked the digs. “It could be in Belltown, except I don’t hate everyone on sight. Seems like a great pre/post drink place. Good music, but you can still have a conversation without yelling. Great place for a ‘group hang’ leading to a hook up.” People watching here is a total trip. One woman terrified us all with her sculpted arms. Mark feared “she’s going to rip my head off my shoulders and drink my blood.” Justin complained that you can’t tell who is gay. Ah, the stuggles of Barça .
Judgings:
Beer: 4 Stars
Ambiance: 3 Stars
Staff: 4 Stars
Booths: 4 Stars
People Watching: 5 Stars
‘Twas a memorable evening of mellowness. Every once in a while that is great. But we are coming back with a big ol KAPOW this week. We are GOING DANCING! That’s right, Saturday night is our first dance night. First a party at my digs (1113 15th Ave) starting at 7 PM, 8 PM, whenever you want it to start. Then we will go to War Room and then The Cuff. You ready to get your dancing shoes ready? Nice.
Lessons Learned
This week’s outing was all chalk full of lessons one should take in. The first lesson: If one wishes to attend BHH in one piece, wear a helmet while speeding down Fremont Ave in the rain. Take that one to heart.
Now I must thank all the Hoppers who took to the bars on Saturday after a schedule change. Big props to Duff, Susie, Sarah, Justin, Katy, Catherine, Hart, Jenny, Micah, Wendy, John, Carl-Erich, Paige, Meghan, Emily, Jeff, Jarrod, and others. There were seriously a lot of you. Holy be-jesus. We went to the always exciting Stumbling Monk, The Elite, Taco Gringos, and, sadly, the Crescent.
The Stumbling Monk 
is nestled on the corner of Boylston and Olive. The lesson we all took away from here is that one really can look at the Dictionary at a bar and have fun doing it. Oh, and that Hart is a big, big dork.
Entering The Stumbling Monk one is struck by how dark it is at 8 PM in June. Maybe it was the black floors or the dark wood booths with abnormally small tables. There are a few large table with plenty of seating to allow a big group to get cozy. Enveloping the door is a tall book shelf spilling over with classic board games such as Scrabble and, the always popular, Star Wars Trivial Pursuit (what?!). The walls were lined with kegs which could serve as extra seating, although I don’t think that is what they were intended for. One wall is wallpapered with really well decorated coasters thanks to many doodling patrons. I wanted to sketch something but was greatly intimidated by the talent. A bar runs along the right-hand wall for about 3/4 of it and the “stoic” tender gets ready to serve you anything from the abundant beer collection. Responsible DD, Jarrod, was very happy with the soda selection.
Hill Hopper Justin loved the “informative bartender who helps navigate the extensive Belgian beer list.” You tell the bartender what sort of beer you like and he doesn’t even hesitate to suggest at least two beers that aren’t what you want, but what you need in your life. Hopper Carl-Erich admitted “It’s like I died and went to beer heaven and didn’t have enough money. This is where I hope to go when I die…If they had scotch I’d never leave.” The bartender guided one stout drinker to the mind-blowing find of Ten-Fiddy from Oskar Blues Grill and Brewery in Lyon, CO. Out of the can the stout got rave reviews from our crowd. One can only imagine its awesomeness from a keg…
There are a few odd pieces to the Monk. First, Hopper Jenny was struck by the fact that the place did smell like a pool. Maybe that’s what Belgium smells like? Hoppers made the very mature assessment that the bathroom ceiling looks like a vagina. Pictures coming soon. If Hopper Emily knew that ahead of time she probably would not have taken her parents there when they visited. The place is dark, the furniture is a bit odd and the place smells funny. But, man, that beer….
Judgings:
Booths: 1 Star (What the heck is up with the tables?)
Beer: 5 Stars
Bartender: 4 Stars (Could have been taller)
Lighting: 2 Stars (take ugly dates here)
Watching Duff Wallop Susie at Scrabble: Priceless
After The Stumbling Monk we lost some folks to concerts and other commitments but the strong ones pushed on to The Elite. I know, it sounds exciting, doesn’t it? History factoid: The Elite is Seattle’s oldest gay bar. The Elite is at 1520 Olive, across from Clever Dunnes Irish Pub. Walking through the glass front door you are immediately met by the compact bar RIGHT THERE. The walls are a bright salmon and green and the lighting was refreshing after The Stumbling Monk. Hopper Wendy was not so down with the colors and Hopper Justin agreed. ”Poor paint job – looks like something you would consult a gay about, ironically”. The front room by the bar had a number of bodies in it, especially by the front display window tables. Down a few steps in back you had a bigger room with a pool table in the center and then a smaller room attached to that with comfy seating and a TV.
We were greeted at the bar with the fantastic Ryan. The man had energy and was ready to have some fun with drinks. I said tequila and he said pomegranate margarita. Hopper Jenny was shot down for her Dark and Stormy and has learned to no longer ask for that. She went for the pomegranate martini. They do have beer but it is the regular assortment. Nothing to write home about.
The Hoppers grabbed the pool table with no problem but soon pissed off some folks with, well, the lack of skill harnessed by Jenny, Susie and myself. Lesson learned: NEVER have one of us on your team. The lack of seating in the room with the pool table clearly was a terrible choice and we stood around for a long stretch of time.
Hopper Susie gives us a peak into her tipsy thoughts, “Ok. The Elite. Stunning. Ryan-the bartender- was fantastic – took very good care of me. See? So friendly. LOVED the women’s/staff bathrooms. OK. All done now.” Thanks Susie for your eloquence and all the slashes.
Judgings:
Decor: 2 Stars (Egyptians, and lions, oh my!)
Bartender: 4 Stars
Bartender Name: 3 Stars (not original enough)
Crowd: 3 Stars (Not too many folks. ”Boy Toy” shirts were spotted.)
So, Ryan got me a bit tipsy and I pretty much stumbled next door with the Hoppers to Taco Gringos for, you guessed it, tacos. We got cheap tacos which are clearly the best ones on Capitol Hill. The two owners work late into the night making their tacos themselves for all you alcoholed folks. Two lessons were learned here. First, rabbit tacos are FANTASTIC! Second, take permanent markers away from me when I’m under the influence. Check out Taco Gringos at 1510 Olive Way.
The last stop on the tour was The Crescent. Looking at the index cards right now, one learns that we were too tipsy at Crescent to write anything down about it. Oh well. The Crescent (1413 Olive Way) is, as Hopper Duff has described it, a shady tranny bar. They have karaoke always which is good or bad depending how you look at it. On Saturday night it was NOT a good thing. The late night crowd couldn’t be described so much as melodious as they were just wailing into the mic. The good thing is that the crowd will cheer you on, no matter the fact that Roseanne Barr could have done it better.
From the outside The Crescent looks like a sports bar with its painted wood panel exterior and neon lights. Entering one immediately understands the difficulties sardines endure. The place is a tight squeeze. That is not so much the fact that so many folks have flooded in to sing as it is that the bar is a huge island in the middle of the room which leaves standing space very limited. We won’t get into the concoction the bartender cooked up. If you like basic beers or the drinks we drank in college then go here.
Pretty much the Hopper’s didn’t have much good stuff to say about The Crescent. Lesson learned: You don’t ever have to go to The Crescent. Just don’t.
Judgings:
I’m hate being so negative so I’m not even going to do this part.
Thanks to everyone who came out. It was an absolute blast. It was an educational outing to say the least.
Next Stop: 7 PM June 13th we’ll be starting at Smith and will be going to the Cantebury and Hopvine.
Tots and The Terminator
This week felt a little like a deep breath for my liver. My liver and I didn’t try and go for the gold of 3, 4 or 5 bars this week. This week Liver, myself, and the Hoppers stayed low key. We zoomed into Office Nomads and turned it into the Hill’s new hot spot then rushed off to the Six Arms to meet another Hill Hopper. Want to hear all about it? Okay!
Office Nomads was all full of bodies when we got there too late. Sierra Nevada had kept their promise and gave our your entrepreneurs three free mini kegs. They were hooked up through a little cooler similar to the one I used for my lunch box at summer camp. The only difference is that mine didn’t have a fancy tap on the front. The bright walls with the exposed brick gave the place a homey feel, especially with the bookshelf of board games in back (What? no Trivial Pursuit?). Some folks were dressed to impress while others stayed true to the laid back attitude that are the Hill Hoppers. Hill Hopper Kelsey had some fantastic large print photography on display. We looked, we judged, we loved.
Promptly at 9 the kegs were kicked. A run to the fridge revealed that we’d also taken out the case of PBR (nothing but class at Nomads) and the other random beers laying about. We’d had all one could consume and thus had to be on our way to the next stop. Thanks Nomads! Check ‘em out at http://www.officenomads.com.
Guest Hill Hopper Mark and I huffed it to Six Arms for some cajun tots and McMenamins brew. Six Arms seems to rest on the corner of Pine and whatever that other street is. There are large windows so anywhere you sit you can people watch the interesting kids wandering the hood. The lighting late at night is a bit dark and isn’t helped by the dark wood and leather booths. Anyone thinking of sleeping could zonk in that light. But the booths are huge and our palatial spot could have fit 8 but we maxed out at six. The bar itself is long and sticks out from beneath the upper loft which has a good bunch of tables. I’m beginning to see this loft area as a theme of Capitol Hill bars. Hmm…
Back on track. The bar was long. Yes. And decorated with foreign bills and a few Georges up there. Piping snaked around creating an arch and then barrier to the bar itself. Hopper Mark loved the look. ”It’s not something you see elsewhere. I like the character of this place.” A huge light fixture hung down next to the bar and reminded me of the stars outside that we rarely see.
And the tater tots! Cajun spiced to perfection. The tots you grew up with have nothing on these. Hopper Mark had some issue with the spice but he’s from the Midwest so I don’t think that counts. Hopper Susie went for the Garden Burger and was rather satisfied with its deliciousness.
Our server had some issues remembering who ordered what beer. I think it was sexist thinking as he kept putting my dark beer in front of male Hoppers and giving me the IPAs. The Terminator is just like the Terminator at Dad Watsons, McMenamins in QA and all the others. It’s a stout that doesn’t feel too heavy when it gets down. I forgot to write down my thoughts so that’s what I’ve got for ya.
McMenamins is the sort of establishment where you can always rely on it. You will enjoy your food and drink there but it’s not something you are going to write home about. In the end we closed the place down without realizing we were doing so. The crowd never got too big and the place never got too loud. Chill with a beer, friends and hang for a few hours with no worries.
Judgings:
Beer: 4 Stars
Tots: 5 Stars
Booths: 5 Stars
Lighting: Put Duff to sleep so 0 stars (well, it was either that or the fact that he gets up at 4 AM)
Thanks to all the Hill Hoppers who were out. This week’s short list is Meagan, Kelsey, Duff, Susie and Mark. See you all this Saturday at Stumbling Monk!
